Thank you for not being perky

Everyone is talking about the twilight series by Stephanie Meyer, so I went out and bought the first one.

I read it yesterday…

um. WOW. Stunningly lame. I keep trying to figure out how to explain it. I accidentally took a 25 minute shower this morning because I was trying to arrange the words badly written, soft core, porn, teenagers, stilted, vampires and nothing new under the sun, all into one sentence.

I cant fucking stand when I read a book and I can picture the authors ‘list of character traits’ written on a piece of paper tacked to her peg board above her desk. Helloooo one dimensional!

The dialog was so utterly painful I had to stop and count to ten every other minute.  The boy character was creepy and just not interesting, the girl character I had hope for in the beginning. But then she remained one dimensional and the weird-ass creepy power dynamics really kicked in and she became all helpless and fucking whiny, constantly whining about how ‘perfect’ the boy was and could do everything ‘perfectly’ while she was hanging around with the words ‘accident prone’ written next to her name.

Tgheir whole shtick with interactions consist of him smirking and her squinting or the more poetic phrase – she narrowed her eyes at him. whatevers!GOD! and the whole creepy thing about her smell. EW! Could we make her more of an object? There was NOTHING romantic about this book. AT ALL.

The book reminded me of two things, the Eragon books by christopher paolini and a fairy tale I had to write in 3rd grade that I titled ‘The Orange Juice of Life’.  For that fairy tale assignment we had to write an original fairy tale. Now, by third grade I had read all the actual grimm’s fairy tales (not the jerky watered down ones) and all of Hans Christian Anderson which we all know are super creepy and weird and totally undisney-esque. But anyway, I felt like an ass because I couldn’t fucking think of anything to write! So I basically copied a Grimm’s fairy tale and substituted ‘orange juice’ for ‘water’. Actually I panicked and put absolutely no actual thought into it (story of my life) and that’s what I picture happened to Ms.  (heiress to the great lemon estate?) Meyer . I don’t know if you’ve read the Eragon books, but they are pretty bad. But he wrote that first one when he was FIFTEEN. I mean, the story isn’t all bad but the dialog is heinous  and you can tell he was sort of trying to be original but ended up doing the orange juice of life thing pretty often. Ms Meyer is a grown woman however and having her book compared to Eragon is meant to hurt.

You might say, oh yeah? well everyone loves her book and so she is making crap loads of money and is successful, SO THERE!”

Oh yeah? People say the same thing about Madonna but she’s still a cunty bitch who can barely sing.

I thought this book was trashy, badly written and unoriginal. It could have been good (maybe) if it had been cut down to about 150 pages and sold only in Transylvania (and washington) gift shops.

Somewhere in the middle of the book I thought, ‘how an I going to read the rest of these books without my brain exploding?’

Does anyone want the first twilight book?! I will totally send it to you and you can write an answering post about how great it really is. Leave a comment!

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