Thank you for not being perky

Once  realized that trichotillomania was a real thing I was convinced that I have it. Have always had it.

It is pronounced trick-o-till-o-mania and is  the inability to resist the impulse to pull out your hair.

I’ve always been a fidgeter and the hair thing started when I was a teenager.  I obsessively plucked my hair out and became unable to control constant hair fiddling. I braid my hair constantly now. To the point of hardly being able to move my hands they hurt hurt so much from doing it. Sometimes, while I am driving I find both my hands migrating from the wheel to my head. To get around this I now use one hand while driving to tie a chunk of hair into a knot. It works out pretty well but I often arrive at my destination with a bunch of little knots all over my hair.

There are certain spots where it feels like I HAVE to pull on the hair. behind the ears… right above my temples…  Mostly I braid it and pull it. I don’t pull it out (well sometimes).

I have shaved my head several times. If there is any hair there at all I will yank on it or fiddle with it.

What pisses me off most about this is that the fidgeter is always made out to be the villain. Like, if you’re nervously fidgeting then you have something to hide or are guilty. So screw you literature and stereotypes! Srsly… I swear I am not guilty… no really.

So, do I need to make myself stop doing this? I don’t have anyone to impress at this moment, not having a job and all. And not like I ever have ambitions of climbing the corporate ladder either, ever.

I do think I will cut my hair short in the next year or so. I’ve been trying to grow it out seemingly forever. You remember the movie “high fidelity” with john cusack (too cute)? His girfriend in that movie had my perfect hair – blonde, smooth, long and with with impossibly short fringe. That’s what I’ve been attempting to achieve.

I will never achieve it. The constant hair fidgeting problem mean that  have constant “pony tail hair”. That’s when you pull your hair back in a pony tail and the ront hair breaks off at the place where the pony tail holder ties. So the back of my ahir will get long but the front lock willalways be shorter and broken off.

Also, my hair is never smooth as it is a bit wavy.

SUMABITCH! What’s a girl to do?

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