There’s so much going on! Small things but things nonetheless and anticipation of things. Summer is coming and after summer comes fall. September may be my favorite month but this year it brings with it uncertainty about what to do with my kid. It was true what they said about having to apply for preschools a year or so early. Although a nice lady at the park told me that at about May people start changing their plans and dropping out and so wait lists start opening up. I could start calling some preschools. I will, I swear.
Or should I go with the possibly doomed/impossible/bad idea outdoor waldorf-esque free school that I’ve been working on organizing?
Would it be enough childcare? So far, 2 days a week has helped me get some other stuff done and it’s sure nice to have a break from my almost 3 yr old.
What’s best for Jack? Less or more being away from me? What’s best for me?
Well, I don’t know and some hideous September deadline creeping up on me isn’t making it any clearer.
I’ve been seeing some blog posts and articles in which childless women are again -
A. with the bitching about how people with kids talk about and post pictures of their kids… orly? why yes, I would like to see a bunch of fucking stupid boring pictures of you out and drunk. You look awesome! And interesting! NOT.
and B. more with the bitching about people with kids not deciding one way or another if having kids is awesome or horrible.
But more pressingly, I was left, as I often am by pieces on parenting, at sea. Nowadays, there is such a dichotomy at work: the hazy romanticizing of baby culture wars with the it’s-a-nightmare/I-don’t-love-my-child/I-wanted-another-sex” backlash and while one is surely designed to remedy the other, those of us who haven’t had a baby are left, ironically, with no very clear idea of the reality.
I think these people looking for answers are creating a false dichotomy. The horribleness and awesomeness of parenting are not mutually exclusive in the scheme of parenting as a whole. So the reality is, the experience of parenting is made up of good and bad things all of which, if counted up, might skew to the bad but still allow people to label parenting as a good thing or the other way around. Parenting is not a black and white issue, people!
Her Bad Mother writes a lovely post about 10 things I hate about motherhood. I thank the internets for sending me women who are thoughtful and articulate, thusly she says:
But that’s mothering – the work of motherhood – and it’s something of a different beast than is the condition of motherhood, or the experience of being mother to one’s own children. The former can be tortuous. The latter can be sublime.
This post by Temerity Jane is also really good. I like how in the comments someone is pissed and feels betrayed by themselves because they suddenly want a baby. I felt similarly. Weird, isn’t it? I’m feeling that way right now as I loathe myself for considering another kid. 3 more years of diapers? GAH! Horrible muling pink and white thing on my boob? BARF! Sleep deprivation that makes me and Vim totally insane and filled with rage and hate? UM?
Yet often when Vim and I see a tiny baby we are both like, AWWWW it’s so cute, remember how cute Jack was? And then one second later we are all like, WHA? Are we INSANE? Babies are the DEVIL.
Three years later I still morn the loss of my freedom to sleep in, go out and take stupid ass pictures of myself drunk (oh wait, come nap time and mai tai’s I’ll do just that, pls stand by), and don’t want to share my toys. I wish we had waited a bit longer so that we could have traveled together kid free (speaking of which we are going to Hawaii in two weeks with Jack and I couldn’t possibly be more excited).
Today happens to be a good enough parenting day for me. I just wasn’t ready to ready 45 Frog and Toad books this morning before my coffee, nor was I ready to go outside to play trucks and get squirted with the hose and for that my kid is now crying in his room, ” I want my dadddyyyyyy”, as though I’m the devil (no, YOU are). Really kid? Sheesh!
Should I have another baby?
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