Toy guns
Recently Jack learned the words Kill, Dead, and Kill you Dead. It’s kind of horrifying to hear your 3 year old say those things. And I’ve been thinking about the day he starts doing that at our playgroup. That day was today.
He picked up a stick that was gun shaped and started to say PEW PEW PEW GUN PEW GUN PEW! and ran around pointing it at people.
I’m so conflicted. i know many parents, probably including our playgroup ones, want to avoid that sort of play in their young toddlers. And i feel bad that my kid is going to be the one that introduces it to them. Fortunately everyone in the playgroup is my friend and I hope we all get a chance to talk about it soon.
I’m not going to ban that sort of play. Jack enjoys rough and tumble play, action and play conflict. what can I do about that? Nothing, and I don’t want to as i think that is all fine play. I don’t think that playing toy guns makes kids violent. Well, pointing a toy at someone and says ‘I kill you dead’ is unquestionably violent. But it doesn’t mean my kid will grow up to participate in REAL violence against people.
I don’t actually want to hear my kid say that kind of thing. But i don’t want to ban a toy gun. Not that he actually HAS a toy gun. But he does make a toy gun out of just about everything. So I need to find an appropriate way for him to play this sort of game that isn’t horrible to hear and won’t scare the kids who don’t like that sort of game.
Here are something I do now:
I say, “We’re not playing that game right now” or “I don’t think so and so wants to play that game right now”
and recently I’ve told him that it’s not nice to say I kill you or you’re dead. People don’t like it because it’s not nice.
this morning I asked him not to kill me. and i said that when someone is dead they don’t ever come back and thats sad. All he said was ‘I WOULD FIND YOU!”
I would really like to hear what other people have to say about this. I need suggestions on how to redirect him without shaming him and without making it more attractive because it is banned.
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July 24, 2010 at 2:24 pm
How about talking about never pointing a gun toward a person but more at a target? A little nerf-y type gun that he can aim at targets? The object being to be good at aiming at something and hitting it but it is never a person.
July 25, 2010 at 7:37 pm
i was never allowed toy guns, but i made them up with sticks and imaginary guns all the time. i like to think i turned out fine. i actually think it was more of a “girl toy” / “boy toy” sort of issue because the only time i ever got a discussion about it was when i very specifically asked for a bee bee gun because my piano teacher’s son had recently gotten one. dad told me about how he had one as a kid and shot a bird and felt really really bad. (as i got older i found out he probably didn’t actually shoot the bird as it was too far away, but thought he did.)
anyhow, aside from that one time i think i just never ended up getting any for christmas or birthdays even though they were on the list. i just got other things i said i wanted.
so, they weren’t explicitly forbidden so i don’t think i really thought there was a bid deal about guns in particular. there were plenty of other toys i asked for and also didn’t get. (like an electric race car track that went up the wall!!)
to sum up: i don’t know…
July 25, 2010 at 10:35 pm
I’ve thought about these things and the boys know we’re anti violence, yet…they go ballistic in the backyard and it’s not just them it’s their friends too! Usually it’s sword fights. When they first started playing these games there were some tears but they have all learnt how to negotiate, set rules and generally respect each others physical well being. I’m talking BIG boys here and Dads also. They all claim it’s about developing skill and agility etc, etc, whatever…All of them hate war and my husband is really a bit of a hippie, go figure. I can’t? Initially when this all started when the boys were wee, wee things I felt a little uncomfortable about the whole play fighting thing but now as I’ve watched them grow – and there’s still alot of growing to do – I really enjoy their energy and that they have learnt to play fair, well fairish most of the time…
I know I haven’t helped at all – sorry – but if I saw your boy pointing a gun at me I’d have to laugh (or play along) ‘cos he would remind me very much of a few boys I know:)
July 25, 2010 at 11:16 pm
Well as the person who just gave you some foam swords… I do realize it can be a problem and it often upset other moms on playgrounds etc. And play-fighting would often result quickly in M. getting his butt kicked for real so I had to come up ways around it.
I really liked this book: Killing Monsters: Why Children Need Fantasy, Super Heroes, and Make-Believe Violence. It’s around somewhere if you want me to dig it up for you.
I had very good luck with building “dragons” or monsters and directing kids to battle it. Either just imaginary ones I would describe coming at us, or something like a blanket thrown over a chair, or an actual play structure, could be the dragon.
I don’t think you can explain death very well to a 3 year old btw. I still remember not being able to explain to some other 7 year old that killed was killed, and there was no difference between being killed and being “killed to death”.
I also had okay luck with referring to things as “blasters” or “phasers” rather than “guns”. Or saying I am going to blast you with my space rays.
Pokemons are good b/c you are catching the creatures and they battle each other so there is an extra level of indirection to the play-violence. Transformers, also awesome b/c they are robots… So maybe you can steer it to blasting with “power” or whatever, fall over and go “oh you blasted me!” and pop up again. and not shooting and killing and dying.
July 26, 2010 at 12:18 am
I agree with badgermama. Modeling different language, such as ‘You blasted me’ is an ideal way to redirect him from the unacceptable language such as ‘killed’, without putting the emphasis on correcting his language.
My daughter just makes certain language (if it persists), “bad words”. So certain things, like swear words and killed, dead, stupid and etc. are ‘bad words’ and not tolerated in her presence. You can’t monitor what they say or do away from your control, but you can impress on them that certain words or language are not OK to use. Its around this age, 3-5, that this kind of reasoning can be understood.
But I wouldn’t stress if this is isolated. He is mimicking someone he heard, or a program that he has watched and that usually only lasts for a little while after unless he gets negative reinforcement (by way of over reaction to it). If, when its ignored or you model more appropriate language, it persists then resorting to telling him that you don’t like or want to hear that language is an appropriate tack. You will have to judge whether he is comprehending your request.
Unfortunately, with boys, this sort of thing will crop up over and over, especially when their circle of friends widens (as when they are in school or on the playground).
July 26, 2010 at 3:16 pm
I would steer away from labeling a word like ‘dead’ or ‘kill’ as ‘bad’. Dying isn’t ‘bad’, it just ‘is’.
The redirection you are currently using is generally the best policy. I will also agree with badgermama that reinforcing OTHER words is also a good choice.
I’m also glad you aren’t forbidding such play. If a child can’t ‘pretend’, I strongly feel they cannot grow.
July 26, 2010 at 3:22 pm
Thank you all for the advice. I am taking it all!
July 26, 2010 at 9:22 pm
i’m so glad that you wrote this! my jack just got his hands on a toy gun while we were on vacation. he had no clue what it was and i panicked a bit and just told him it was a drill (i was not prepared for him to ask for some reason. i guess i thought i had a while before we got around to thinking about how i feel about guns and my son.) i personally enjoy shooting but detest gun games (and violence obviously) so i am a little conflicted. for now he is happy believing that guns are drills and fixes his bike with it but i am sure we will be having to use all this advice any second now.
July 27, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Just remember that you cannot ‘protect’ your kids from reality. My children are much, much older than yours and I will tell you that the more you try to ‘hide’ or straight up ‘lie’ about this shit, the more it will come back to kick you in the ass. I PROMISE you.
Try the whole ‘using a target’ option when your children begin playing guns and with toy. You can make them with construction paper and the like. There’s no need to lie about guns, or hide them, or even to forbid them, as long as you enforce their use for something positive and not harmful.
“Timmy, we must never point our blasters/guns at our friends! We only shoot our blasters/guns at our red and white target on the tree!” (when my kids were young, EVERYONE– even strangers were our ‘friends’)
I’m strongly against hiding stuff from kids. They never forget it if they catch you lying. I want my kids to be open and honest with me, and to do that, I have to be open and honest with them.
July 29, 2010 at 8:58 am
I’m not much help here…I have one son and three daughters..(he’s second eldest)…The boy is now 6 and thankfully he has no fascination with guns..or shooting. He and his friends in school play a came of “cops’n'robbers’…lots of chasing and catching and arresting…but apparently no shooting…possibly influenced by the fact that in our country guns are illegal, except for hunting, with a licence and our police force is un-armed? And yes, they are fully aware of this…how?…I don’t know…osmosis?
We still talk about death, like Charity Woosley said ..death just is.